One strategy we often find helpful with our kids is the “do over”:
something didn’t go well, let’s try again. Two examples:
-
Nora (4y) can’t yet cross
streets on
her own, but we’re starting to practice. Walking to a farther
park, a walk where we often practice, she asked Julia “when we get
to the little street can I cross it”? Julia said “we’ll need to check
in when we get there”. But Nora did not check in, and ‘practiced’ on
her own. Even though this was on a tiny street, this was still really
unsafe and is something she very much needs to not do. I caught up,
spoke to her firmly, she burst into tears, I walked her back, and we
did it over together. As soon as she had the chance to demonstrate
doing it correctly she cheered up dramatically, and then we had a good
time at the park. -
We’re in a hurry to get out the door and I put Nora’s coat on
her. She bursts into tears: “I wanted to put my coat on myself!” I
ask “should we do a do over?” She says yes, I take her coat off, she
puts it on, she’s happy.
These sound very different, but they’re really two sides of the same
learning process. In first case I wanted Nora to learn something. If
I had just spoken sternly to her about not crossing streets solo I
don’t think it would have sunken in as well. Making it inconvenient,
getting to the park later than if she’d done it the right way, having
the time walking back to reflect on her error, and then doing it the
right way, all contributed to taking it seriously and learning.
The second case is much more minor, but it’s just the other way
around: if I’d just apologized to Nora and said she could put her coat
on next time I would have learned less, and she would rightly
be less confident that I would actually follow through.
I think this is a neat symmetry, but to be fair it’s not always why we
do the second category of do overs: sometimes we’re just trying to
resolve a meltdown. For example, say there’s a miscommunication where
it turned out the kid had a very strong preference but we didn’t ask
and they didn’t tell us. Sometimes a do over would be about
practicing what good communication would have been:
Nora: I didn’t want my cereal in this bowl, I wanted a large bowl!
Me: Would you like to do a do over?
Nora: Yeah
Me: If you want your cereal in a specific bowl you’ll need to make sure I
know that.
Nora: Ok
Me: Should I get you some cereal?
Nora: In a large bowl!
Other times, though, the kid is too fragile (perhaps very hungry), we
don’t have time, or I’m being a lazier parent. In these cases the
do over is just a way to calm them down (and clear the way to not
being so very hungry):
…
Me: Would you like to do a do over?
Nora: Yeah
Me: Should I get you some cereal in a large bowl?
Nora: Yes!
This version is still helpful; the kid ends up happy and fed. You
don’t have to take every opportunity to model ideal communication.
It’s not always clear in the moment what ideal communication would
have been, especially as kids get older and interactions get more
complex.
With all of these different applications of do overs, a key thing that
I like is that it quickly breaks the bad pattern and replaces it with
a better one. You’re not digging into what should have happened, you
just jump back and try it again.
